Nina Simone - I Get Along Without You Very Well, Lobster   (DL)

Lobster Hunt: Day 6

It turns out that the hookstick I so brilliantly re-invented is fucking impossible to use. That anyone catches anything with this thing is incredible to me. It’s amazing that something so simple could be so infuriating.

Anyway, after two days of molesting lobsters with an oversized fishing hook strapped to a broom handle, and with only two days remaining in my catch-a-lobster-or-get-butt-naked-on-the-internet challenge, I broke down and bought a speargun. Spearfishing turns out to be a LOT of fun, and the only thing that detracts from that fun is the certain inevitability that I’m going to accidentally shoot myself with a speargun. This is probably a good time to tell me family and friends that I love them, and that assuming there is a heaven (which there isn’t), and that they accept people into heaven who delight in shooting spears through other living things (which seems unlikely), I will be waiting for them in heaven. I’ll be waiting next to the big white fountain, so let’s plan on meeting up there.

Above is a page from my Reef Identification Book. Keep in mind as you read this page that I miiiiiight have a bit of a shark thing. And it’s not like they’re not around, because I see them almost every day.

Electrelane - To The East  (DL)

Lobster Hunt: Day 2, Part 2

Before getting into today’s adventures, I should first report on yesterday. Yesterday I spent two-and-a-half hours combing the reef looking for lobsters, but all I managed to get was a tremendous sunburn covering the better part of my body. I would post a photo of my sunburned backside, but I figured you’ll see it anyway in five days if I don’t catch a lobster pretty soon.

Today, by contrast, I found a lobster almost immediately after jumping out of my kayak. He was the first lobster I’ve seen since we moved to the island, and he was ENORMOUS. Naturally, I was thrilled. I had completed step one of my Foolproof Plan to Catch A Lobster (TM).

STEP ONE: Find a Big-Ass Lobster

Having completed step one with relative ease, I joyfully moved on to step two:

STEP TWO: Catch and Kill the Lobster, Despite Total Lack of Knowledge, Experience, and Tools

This step proved more difficult, and it struck me that maybe my steps were all in the wrong order. Sure, I’d found a big-ass, couch-sized lobster, but there wasn’t really anything I could do with it. He wasn’t exactly in a vulnerable position — he was actually very well-protected in a small cave underneath corals — so even if I’d been able to strike him with my kayak paddle (the only weapon at my disposal), I still wouldn’t be able to pull his delicious, butter-soaked body out of the cave given the size of its small entrance. Clearly I needed some sort of brilliantly-designed homemade tool.

While I paddled the half-mile back to shore, I excitedly designed my Perfect Lobster Hunting Tool (TM). First of all, it needed to have a way to puncture the lobster’s body (sorry Raphael). The tricky part is that his body is covered with a thick candy shell, so he’s really only vulnerable on his underside, which is difficult to access given how much lobsters like to be right-side up. I also needed something that would let me reach into deep crevices, and would somehow allow me to pull the lobster out. Finally, it needed to be really cheap, as I just spent two-hundred-million dollars on kayaks.

With all of those constraints in mind, I came up with a device that can only be described as The Perfect Lobster Hunting Tool. It consists of a long wooden dowel with a big-ass hook on the end of it. I figured I’d be able to get the hook under the lobster, impale him (sorry Raphael), and then bring him out of the crevice where I’d be waiting, wearing a chef’s hat and holding a pot of boiling butter. I would be a well-fed hero, and The Perfect Lobster Hunting Tool would be the overwhelming commercial success its name demands.

Once I got back to the shore and ditched my kayak, I marched straight to the hardware store, grabbed a salesperson, and had them take me on a tour of their wooden dowel selection (there were four options). I quickly found one of the appropriately length and diameter, nodded approvingly to the salesman, and then demanded that he show me their biggest, sharpest fishing hook.

“Oh,” he asked, “are you making a hookstick?”

“Huh?”

“Are you trying to catch lobsters? What you’re making is called a hookstick.”

So, it turns out that apparently my Perfect Lobster Hunting Tool is actually called a hookstick, and it’s the most common way people here catch lobsters besides traps. Sigh. On the one hand, it was pleasing that I’d naturally arrived at the correct tool for the job on my own — on the other hand, it seems like I might not get that patent I applied for.

Oh, right, and here’s Electrelane’s “To The East.” It’s relevant because…the lobsters are to the East. Get off my back, I’m busy.

Patience and Prudence - Tonight You Belong to Me  (DL)

Lobster Hunt: Day 2

I’d love to stay and chat, but these lobsters aren’t going to hunt themselves.

Patience and Prudence and a giant lobster

Betty Harris - I’m Gonna Get You  (DL)

My days have been pretty unstructured lately. I’ve been spending a lot of time underwater playfully pestering sea creatures, a lot of time walking around barefoot without any particular purpose. All that is behind me now. Why? Because I just had what was easily the second-best lobster dish of my life. Ohmygoditwasgood.

And now my life has a purpose. That purpose? EAT MORE LOBSTER.

Outside my front door is a row of coconut palms, twenty feet beyond those palm trees is the Caribbean Sea, and somewhere in that sea is a lobster the size of a loveseat. I am going to find that lobster, I am going to grab him (somehow?), and then I am going to proceed to transform him into a neverending series of lobster rolls. I will document the entire process, if only so there’s a photographic record of the time I lost a finger improperly handling a wild lobster.

Today is Monday, July 26th. If I haven’t posted my lobster-victory photo series within a week, I will instead post a photo of my naked butt. Eep!

As you listen to these lyrics, know that this is the song that will be playing in my head as I meticulously comb the Caribbean for my overgrown couch lobster.

M. Ward - Psalm  (DL)

I was going to participate in Sad Song Saturday, but I feel like all the songs I consider sad are too heart-wrenchingly sad, and I don’t want to ruin my Saturday by combing through them. Instead, I’m going to have a Silent Singer Saturday, which is a really weird, circuitous way to say that I’m posting one of my favorite instrumental songs. It’s not by a woman, but maybe it’s about a woman? Give me a break, it’s Saturday.

This song is simple, it’s beautiful, and it’s really important to me.

FRIDAY REPLAY!  //  Lily Allen - Chinese (DL)

Shockingly, my most popular post of the week was the one featuring Lily Allen’s naked breast. I know, you’re shocked as well. It was also the post in which I shared several embarrassing secrets about myself, so of course that’s the one post that everyone is reblogging. 

In the spirit of the “Friday Replay” concept, in which I post a new song by the most popular artist of the week, I’m posting Lily Allen’s “Chinese,” and I’m also sharing a few more embarrassing facts about myself. Thankfully, this blog has absolutely no readership.

First, the embarrassing:

• Three weeks ago I had to Google “how to mop a floor.” The results were very informative, because I’m an idiot.
• Also on the cleaning theme: once every couple months, when they’ve piled up past the point of comfort, I like to bring all the dishes into the shower with me and clean them there. The last time I did this, I forgot to take my clothes off before starting the shower, and ended up doing a portion of my laundry as well.
• Not realizing he was a famous actor, I once tried to convince Ryan Reynolds we went to high school together. In my defense, this was before he and Sandra Bullock got married (Abigail Breslin, I’m sorry if that was a spoiler for you). Also, I still kinda think he went to my high school.
• When I was a little kid, I would only wear purple. My parents had to dye my underwear purple in order to get me to wear them. My mother once decided to make me a blanket and then sew an illustration into it, and she let me choose both the color of the fabric and the color of the thread she would use to make the illustration. However, since I chose exactly the same shade of purple for both, her illustration was completely invisible.
• In line with my final confession in the last post, I got really sick last night, and then curled up and watched “Sleepless In Seattle.” It was on cable, I don’t own it (I’m not THAT embarrassing).

Today’s song is somewhat of a companion piece to the song I posted earlier this week. Whereas the first song was about the excitement of beginning a relationship, this song details the comfort their relationship brings her. This song is by no means amazing in any way, but, like the other song, I like it because she seems genuinely happy, and I think that translates to the song. I wish the rest of the album shared that quality, but it doesn’t. Other song titles include: “The Fear,” “Never Gonna Happen,” and “Fuck You.” I like those songs substantially less.

The Knife - Heartbeats (DL)

I can never decide whether I like The Knife or not. Usually not. In truth, I wish Jose Gonzalez would remake ALL of their songs to be acoustic, indie-folk bedtime ballads. Then I could talk knowledgeably about Knife songs and still remain a tremendous pussy.

Today, I’m posting the same song as performed by two completely different folk musicians. Listen to both versions, then place your vote in the comments area. The musician with the least votes will be hunted down and tortured beyond their wildest nightmares, as is customary in a FolkOff. Also, for the sake of this post, please pretend that Madeleine Peyroux can be considered a folk musician, as doing so was the only way I could use the term “FolkOff.”

Madeleine Peyroux - You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go (Play)

Mary Lou Lord - You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go (Play)

I’d like to give a shout-out to Mary Lou Lord for recording this entire album in an NYC subway station (you can hear a train at 3:32). I’d like to give a shout-out to Madeleine Peyroux for having such great, pissed-off-looking press photos.

Lily Allen - Who’d Have Known (DL)

Today, I’ve decided to share my favorite Lily Allen song. But first, some thoughts on embarrassment.

I realized recently that I’m a Mark Wahlberg fan. I wasn’t aware of it, I’m certainly not proud of it, but it turns out I’ve seen every single movie he’s ever been in — many of them in theatres. I also watch the show “Fringe” — I find that pretty embarrassing. People have tried to tell me that it’s a perfectly respectable show, but I feel like they’re wrong, and that they revealed something really embarrassing about themselves by defending it. I also really like Fiona Apple. I would never play her music in the company of anyone else, and before I started this paragraph I made it so that my tumblr posts no longer show up in my Facebook feed, but I genuinely like all of Fiona Apple’s albums.

I don’t understand why Lily Allen seems to have avoided that stigma in the public eye. What is different about her? More than once, while scrolling through a friend’s mp3 player, I’ve had them bashfully warn me that I might find a Taylor Swift album (I have it as well). Somehow Lily Allen never garnered that association, and I feel like she should have, and I find that discrepancy really interesting. Anyway.

Attached is my favorite Lily Allen song, “Who’d Have Known.” I like it, quite simply, because for the first time she sounds happy. She’s not bitching about men, she’s not griping about her unsatisfying sex life, she’s…in love. I know it sounds corny (believe me, everything about this post embarrasses me), but given how honest and autobiographical her lyrics tend to be, it’s nice to hear that, for once, she really seems to be enjoying life. And while I feel like it might be embarrassing to admit that I care about Lily Allen’s psychological well-being, I also feel like that’s probably the least embarrassing thing I’ve admitted today.

Also, when I stay home sick and no else one is around, I like to curl up with a blanket and watch romantic comedies. You now know 90% of my secrets.

CocoRosie - Surfer Girl (DL)

La Roux - Fascination (DL)

People are always asking me to make running mixes for them, which is a great way to weed out the people who don’t know me at all. Lately however, I’ve been neglecting my core beliefs (namely: five movies a day and a diet consisting almost entirely of Haribo gummi products), and I’ve actually been getting in shape. I find it surprising and horrifying. I’ve been kayaking every day, doing regular sit-ups and crunches — even going running. I don’t understand it either.

Faced with the challenge of coming up with a good running mix, I naturally selected this upbeat favorite. It’s bouncy, it’s catchy, and it does a good job of distracting me from the fact that I’m doing my least favorite thing in the world. Sometimes, when I don’t have the three or four hours I like to devote to even the most inconsequential playlist, I’ll use iTunes’s “Genius” playlist generator — and I think it genuinely struggles to find appropriately upbeat jams in my music library. The computer gets all hot and you can hear the fan running heavily. Lights in the apartment flicker.

In a month or so, once my entire body is a metal washboard, I’ll post some naked photos of myself…you know, so that someday my kids can see what their dad looked like naked on the internet.

Cowboy Junkies - Sweet Jane (DL)

This song was really popular on the radio when I was ten years old, and even then I loved it. That was around the point when I started getting into music—but for reasons which escape me now, I really didn’t want my parents to know. To keep my secret, I would listen to a handheld FM radio with headphones in my bedroom late at night after my parents thought I had fallen asleep. I remember that I would keep the volume level really low—even though I was wearing headphones—so that I could be sure my parents wouldn’t hear. To be clear, there was absolutely no reason for this—my parents love music, and would have been thrilled to know I’d taken an interest.

I also slept with a knife under my pillow, in case someone tried to kidnap me. Also in the anti-kidnapping vein, I would sleep with one arm locked under the pillow, and the other entwined in the blanket in a specific, calculated way that made it difficult to move my sleeping body (or move at all, really).

I was afraid to go into the ocean (because of sharks) — and I was also secretly afraid of going in swimming pools (also because of sharks).

Just about everything I did as a child is baffling to me now — though, in all honestly, the imprint of these weird neuroses never entirely left me. I still never play my own music around my parents. And I still sleep with one arm locked under my pillow at all times. And to this day, even though I love few things more than being in the ocean, not a minute goes by that I don’t look behind me with the full expectation that a shark is about to strike.

Joanna Newsom - Inflammatory Writ (DL)

Why hello, three anonymous readers who still check my blog! I’ve missed you tremendously.

Today I’m posting an oldie-but-goodie, Joanna Newsom’s “Inflammatory Writ.”

Every time I hear this song, I can’t help but imagine the perfect movie trailer — a trailer for a movie that exists only in my head, only while I hear this song, only for the purposes of accompanying this song. Like my other favorite movie trailers, this fictional trailer is completely without dialogue, and the emotional thrust of the narrative rests entirely on the tonal arch of the song. Which is all a drawn-out, complicated way to say that I think this song would do the heavy lifting in what could be a perfect movie trailer.

I felt similarly about Regina Spektor’s “Us,” and wrote in a notebook that it would be the perfect song to begin a movie intro that featured old, fast, grainy home camera footage. When I saw “(500) Days of Summer,” which begins exactly that way, I remember angrily shouting, “that’s bullshit!” at the screen, as if someone had gone through my ratty old notebook and stolen my idea. In reality, when things are perfect, I think they come together eventually.

And, in case you see my perfect trailer before I do, alert me when it happens.

Martha Reeves & the Vandellas - (Love Is Like A) Heat Wave (DL)

It’s too hot to write.

Vashti Bunyan - I’d Like to Walk Around in Your Mind (DL)

“Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. You’re telling me this NOW?”

- My therapist, three minutes before the end of our final session, when I casually mentioned how much I can’t stand being alone even for short periods of time.